John Kuypers' story, founder of Present Living

I'm John Kuypers, founder of Present Living & Learning. I help people solve difficult issues personally and professionally. This is my story.

In my twenties and thirties, I was a high achiever who never felt good about myself on the inside. I was a corporate vice-president by 34 years of age. I was a faithful husband for 10 years. I was financially successful. But I was never happy on the inside.

I ended my corporate career when I was 35 as an upper level manager. I burned out. I later came to realize that my job was the toughest role in the organization and it ate me up. I lost myself in my work, which dominated my waking life, seven days a week. I couldn't shut down my racing mind. Little did I know that it was because I had poor boundaries and a weak self-identity. Poor boundaries caused me great anxiety and worry as I frantically tried to control what others thought of me and my performance. I changed careers three times, but that only changed the nature of my stress. My inner turmoil and bad feeling about myself did not go away.

Three years later, I ended my marriage. I felt like I had lost my identity in my wife's life - her way of living, vacationing, socializing, lovemaking, housekeeping - you name it. I felt she was controlling my life. I didn't understand at that time that I was trying to control my past and future and these were causing me the unhappiness I was unjustly blaming her for.

All I knew was that I had a mountain of resentment inside me. One day the volcano blew. I met someone else who made me feel accepted. That was all I needed to leave my marriage. It all happened in just two weeks. It was a lousy way to end a marriage. My weak boundaries swung me from "doormat" to "hammer", with a deep certainty that I had to get out. The result was a two year divorce battle - eight trips to court and $150,000 in legal fees. It was an expensive and painful way to begin the journey of feeling good about myself.

Fortunately, I learned. And so can you. The principles of Present Living helped me to heal my relationship with my ex-wife. We get along well today and our young son is the prime beneficiary. I also healed my relationship with my father along the way. I give thanks everyday for the joy that my renewed relationship with him has brought me.

I became a committed Christian in 1998. This is my testimony. One weekend, in a small but powerful way, God revealed Himself to me. A clear loud voice in my head, at two o'clock at night said, "I make a covenant with you to never smoke again." I knew it was real when I tried to smoke the next day and I could not let the cigarette touch my lips, and never have since. The following evening I became a follower of Jesus. In that very moment, a fire lit up within me that burns as brightly today as it did then, many years later. I never again felt empty inside, no matter how severe the trials I would later face. Jesus is always present with me. I feel his peace because as he said, "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (Mt 11:30)

Many things changed for me, some almost immediately. I admitted to myself for the first time that I had viewed women as sex objects, though that truth was well-disguised in my former life. Most impactfully, I stopped having a racing mind. Previously, my mind was filled with fear-based thoughts that replayed yesterday's hurts and fantasized about tomorrow's uncertainties. Jesus said, "Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own." (Mt 6:34) What a massive relief it has been to live this teaching!

I felt a prompting by the Holy Spirit to write a book about how to live in the present. I called it What's Important Now. Just before I published it, I got remarried. I went in to my second marriage naively thinking I had truly learned how to be a good husband as a result of lessons from my failed first marriage of ten years, and all that I had learned in the subsequent four years.

Instead, I was greatly humbled. My second wife left me twice. Both times, after great anguish, we reconciled. I give all the credit to Jesus and his teaching. I leaned heavily on one verse in particular - "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." (Mt 7:1) Non-judgment is the foundation for living in the present. This is true because judgments are caused by comparing our present moments to our past experiences or future expectations. If we disapprove of the difference, we judge and condemn. My marriage reconciled because I accepted her judgments of me and made changes that she could see and feel were real and lasting. She in turn, also made big changes for the better. But not right away. I still was learning how to accept things in God's timing, not mine.

Not long afterwards, I again felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to write a second book about this amazing teaching and its healing impact on close, personal relationships. It came to me in the form a 'picture' in my mind on a mid-summer's night in 2003, early in the morning. All I saw was a book title "The Non-Judgmental Christian". I tried to ignore it. Writing my first book, though it sold well, had drained my coffers. My distributor had gone bankrupt and I never got paid. Seven months later, I felt His prompting again. This time I obeyed. This book also sold well. Again, my distributor went bankrupt and again I was not paid. I learned that getting paid has nothing to do with following your purpose. You know you are when you feel at peace and in His presence.

I learned that a clear self-identity and better boundaries are the keys to having a loving marriage and feeling confident, yet humble and committed to the real life God is giving me. You can learn this too. My lessons evolved into a program for sensitive couples that I call The Near-Far Solution. It works by solving the root problem - resolving sensitive issues effectively. It gets at the root cause of judgments, criticisms and cold shoulders - how we use decision-making power and authority to get what we want. Failure to do this well causes a judgmental cycle of criticisms and cold shoulders that wreck relationships. The Near-Far Solution is an agreement training and coaching program for couples.

I am do this for middle managers at work. Middle management is tough the same way a marriage is tough - you don't have enough power to force things to go your way - you have to work it out or it will eat you up. Being present is the key, and being present works when you have faith and trust in God that things will work out, even if it doesn't happen your way or in your timing.

God bless you,